I Heart NBA

Mark Bacon—Main Event Sports DC

I am supposed to be embarrassed by saying I love the NBA?? Naw… Similarly, I love Anchovies on Pizza, the U.S. Postal Service (FedEx, pffft!!!) and taking Metro.

As much as I adore the NBA — I would wed it tomorrow, except America is not yet progressive enough to allow human-hoops marriages. But… it could use some upgrades.

Thankfully, I, MES—DC, both a thinking man’s man and a man of the people, have some ways to make the NBA better:

Because it’s never whistled, eliminate the three-second violation and allow players to pitch a tent in the lane to sell bitcoin and memorabilia.

All national TV games should be announced by Mike Breen, Mark Jackson and Jeff Van Gundy; otherwise, by Marv Albert and anybody.

LeBron James gets to change teams every year, and at midseason, half the roster turns over to ensure he makes the NBA Finals.

Replace between-quarter coaches’ interviews with “Deep Thoughts by Olympian Chloe Kim.”

Every time Blake Griffin is fouled — instead of free throws — let him try to slam-dunk leaping over a Kia Optima with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson sitting on the hood.

 They cannot put Russell Westbrook on TV often enough; he is more electric than electricity.

Let Steve Kerr and Doc Rivers broadcast their own games from the bench.

Create an NHL-style penalty box, and require Draymond Green to sit in it for 15 minutes every game.

Statistical adjustment: When a pass leads to a three-point basket, it should count as 1.5 assists. Seriously.

Bring back three-to-make-two free throws; if fouled on a three-pointer, you get five-to-make-three, and, in the unlikely event DeAndre Jordan shoots from beyond the arc and is fouled, he gets 10-to-make-three.

Mark Cuban cannot attend Dallas Mavericks games, does not speak about officiating and is only allowed to comment publicly on last week’s “Shark Tank” ratings.

Gregg Popovich gets to the NBA Finals once every three years, regardless of his team’s record.

Annual All-Star Weekend promotion: Isiah Thomas vs. Isaiah Thomas, one-on-one.

Pop & LBJ run on LIT Party ticket for 2020 US President.

BONUS Comment: Now that Louisville has been stripped of its 2013 national title, does Rick Pitino have to have the tattoo removed that he got to celebrate the championship? Pitino says he has no knowledge of a tattoo on the left side of his back that reads “2013 NCAA Champions” along with a Louisville logo and the team’s 35-5 record.

2 thoughts on “I Heart NBA

  • And please don’t let LeBron go to the Warriors. Let Bowie Kuhn preside over this (trade?) Like he did over Vida Blue to Cincy that never was.

    • I truly hope he doesn’t either, Rich. But in the NBA now? You never know. Also causes me to wonder why The Lakers would take LBJ, other than he is the preeminent player of the time. They’ve committed to building through youth, but their salary house cleaning (with the Cavs) tips their hand. Bowie Kuhn? You make me laugh… great memory.

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